you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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