I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
