Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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