I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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