is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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