She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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