i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Moan for me like Helen Keller
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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