highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
