I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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