I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
