I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
