I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
