She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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