After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Randomize
