Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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