she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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