Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
