my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
