I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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