New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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