I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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