You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
