I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
