farters have to be the big spoon...
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
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