he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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