hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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