Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
