those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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