six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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