It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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