I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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