Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Randomize
