I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
