Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
