Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize