i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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