Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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