I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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