I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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