I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
the day after is always just damage control
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
