I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Randomize
