I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
