ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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