You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
