went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
