shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
