We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
