so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
