She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize