Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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