I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
