I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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