She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize