Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
