I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I met the friendliest cop last night
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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