They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
