I'm really into asian looking animals
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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