The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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