your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize