kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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