So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
