he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
